i am overwhelmed by the hate gnawing my temperament
and my patience
and my everything else
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I FORGOT WHAT THIS FELT LIKE


i hate showering
because it strips me down to what i really am. i climb in the shower, dirty and naked and wild and happy, and i climb out a shivering pink thing too ashamed to look in the mirror
the water shows me all the things i'd forgotten: my unshaved legs, my too long nails, my trashy dark roots, my poorly trimmed ghost unibrow and my crooked bottom teeth and my babyfat face and my pouty stomach
the dirt, the grimy film, its so comfortable
i'm not impressing anyone, and no one scrutinizes me for imperfections because with my dirty skin and hair, i am blurry to the clean eye and not worth a second glance

and i am weighed down by two ravaging beasts
i took the obligations, i sized them up and heaved them on my shoulders and buckled under the weight
i drank the lead apathy because it's all i knew and it settled in a hard, angry mass in my stomach and suddenly i am crumbling under everything i always knew i would never be able to finish or support
and i am 18 years old, i need someone to hold my hand. i need someone to feed it to me spoon by spoon


i just can't believe how pitiful i feel!
ah!