i touched this.

amongst the gyrating crowd

covered in strangers sweat

toes stepped on, pushed and shoved

and grinded on by a boy with absolutely no rhythm 

i was having the time of my life!

viva las vegas!

today

i stood on top of the world

and it sucked 

so hard

 to have to come back down

woke up around 11 in that fine rodeway inn

had a breakfast of cheerios 

sat around, gabbed 

checked into the cliffs

(realized i forgot my ipod in previous room)

went to red rocks casino

had pizza for lunch, ben&jerry for dessert

went to see benjamin button 

the lindeman-kessingers arrive around 10

lv

my aunt is staying here

lucky.

i got up around noon,

had ethiopian for lunch,

met up with various family members,

bought tickets to girltalk,

watched house,

played pokemon

:)

vegas, baby

we're finally here

we were packed and out the door by 1:30, on our flight at 4:49 from raleigh to atlanta

from atlanta, we left at 7:00 and arrived here at 8:30, vegas-time

then we waited an hour for a rental car that has a disgustingly strong bubblegum smell in the interior

vegas is everything i thought it might be-- big, flashy, and expensive.

had dinner at denny's, it was PACKED with huge asian families.  it took us about an hour to get our food, but our waiter was really nice.  he had cool slicked back hair

and now i'm typing this up in a surprisingly clean rodeway inn.

it's been a day of firsts for neil:  first airplane ride, first rental car ride, first time being out of nc, let alone greensboro!  he's taking in the sights like a champ, but we're both tuckered out.  who knows what tomorrow will bring!

tis the season!

i can't get a grip

isn't it funny
how everyone knows me better
than i do

neil diamond;
my new companion

almost there

i think it's the fact i can't make anyone want to do something
that is so damn disappointing.

i have nothing left to say.


ps; we got our christmas tree and the living room smells
fantastic.

what on earth am i going to look forward to when i finally beat the game!?

oh, yeah:

i am overwhelmed by the hate gnawing my temperament
and my patience
and my everything else
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I FORGOT WHAT THIS FELT LIKE


i hate showering
because it strips me down to what i really am. i climb in the shower, dirty and naked and wild and happy, and i climb out a shivering pink thing too ashamed to look in the mirror
the water shows me all the things i'd forgotten: my unshaved legs, my too long nails, my trashy dark roots, my poorly trimmed ghost unibrow and my crooked bottom teeth and my babyfat face and my pouty stomach
the dirt, the grimy film, its so comfortable
i'm not impressing anyone, and no one scrutinizes me for imperfections because with my dirty skin and hair, i am blurry to the clean eye and not worth a second glance

and i am weighed down by two ravaging beasts
i took the obligations, i sized them up and heaved them on my shoulders and buckled under the weight
i drank the lead apathy because it's all i knew and it settled in a hard, angry mass in my stomach and suddenly i am crumbling under everything i always knew i would never be able to finish or support
and i am 18 years old, i need someone to hold my hand. i need someone to feed it to me spoon by spoon


i just can't believe how pitiful i feel!
ah!

i've just returned from charlottesville, which was a nice enough town. i've got to wait for juliet (the friend chloe and i visited) to send me the pictures, so this blog will be, unfortunately, a few pixels short of the previous ones.

we hit the road around 11, talking and laughing and catching up until i dozed off. we arrived in charlottesville around 3, and immediately walked down to the mall while we still had some daylight. the mall is this bricked walkway through town with lots of shops and restaurants, similar to the fußgangerzone in münich. we strolled all the way down to the university, where we took a very brief tour and i decided UVA is probably not for me, before we trekked back into town and had a lovely dinner-- a delicious spinach artichoke dip as an appetizer (which i actually enjoyed!) and chicken tenders for me. after that we headed back to juliets place, which is absolutely amazing, and curled up to watch harry potter 4 & 5 (i read breaking dawn through most of it).


the next day we didn't awake until around 11:30, which was refreshing. we had omelets for breakfast, then headed to monticello, which was thomas jefferson's home in virginia. it's a beautiful building both inside and out, but historic houses aren't really my scene. i found out some interesting things about tj, though. he was an alright guy. afterwards we went for gelato, which may seem impractical given it was probably not even 60 outside, but pair that with authentic italian hot chocolate and you really can't go wrong. for dinner we had an authentic bavarian meal and i stuffed myself stupid. we made the train, scheduled to leave at 8:50, by the skin of our teeth.

one thing in particular i enjoyed about this trip was the time it gave me to think, and trust me, i've had plenty richocheting around my skull. i'm beginning to wonder if i am in fact an introvert, which i'd never really considered given my social disposition. maybe it's just the fact that i'm coming to fullyh appreciate and really enjoy the time i spend alone. i've also come to the conclusion that i was so wrong about relationships as a whole. something things don't just line up perfectly, and it's ok to have doubts and fears. sometimes, it's worth working for it.

it's been a break fit for kings.
i've done so much cooking, so much hanging out, and so little work in these last two days. i know that omnious sense of obligation will return, but for now i can think happy thoughts about the things i'm thankful for.

tuesday night emily joined me after school to run some errands, then we headed home and made vegan s'mores cupcakes that turned out only
okay. let it be known that i am st. peters greatest cook and emily is a housewife. hannah came over and we watched teeth before going to jans and finally to bed. i awoke this morning to find emily poking me in the cheek. that little rascal.

the next day i went and saw twilight with my sister, which i honestly enjoyed (although it left me feeling really unsatisfied with my own vampire-free life) with chloe, went to work for est. 2 hours before i picked up hannah and we went to see BOLT. we caused quite the ruckus in the back row, flailing about and cooing at the cute parts. she's a really great movie partner because we're both such active watchers. we returned home, and i made a pumpkin pie. i also played wind waker, and though hannah swears she had a great time watching me, i'm not so convinced. we snuck out to the carmike, got high, and saw the last 15min of BOLT in 3-D. I FINALLY GOT THE GLASSES (see above picture).

i haven't showered in over a week!
i found both the articles of clothing i'm wearing i found in the recesses of my closet!

i feel great!


this weekend was wild wild wild. taylor came back and while it was great to see her, i can't help but feel somewhat upset by her return. i know things are different now and it's difficult to accept i've been replaced by people WHO DO NOT CARE.

friday night was taylor's welcome home party. we went to mccrae's girlfriend's apartment and had a good time, for a while. 'twas me, taylor, mccrae, alec, topher, brent, hollie and zeke (along with mary, mccrae's girlfriend and a couple of her friends.) there were smokes all around and i nursed a highlife 40. suddenly, amongst the merriment and partying, 219839102 brosephs showed up, equipt with a collapsable beer pong table, so taylor, hollie and i decided to make our timely exit. we went over to hollie's new boyfriend's house, but it was weird so taylor and i dipped out. we ended up at hollies, smoke ourselves stupid, and then tried to sleep in 49 degree weather.

saturday began around 12:45 for both taylor and myself. i blew off my senior project mentor with a case of heartburn, slept in, and then headed to topher for his video shoot. i was primary as fuck, but all my clothes were too little and i ended up freezing my ass off. alec, whitney, alex and i shot still frames atop one of the parking decks downtown for around three hours in bone-chilling weather. an ironic note: as we careened up the parking deck to get to our shoot, we found ourselves stopped by a film and animation crew that had chosen that exact time, day, and place to shoot their own movie. luckily, they just used one of the floors, so we took the elavator to the top and pondered the humor of a higher power. i went to work for two pointless hours, then met up with alex woodgeard and went over to mitch's. that was quite the experience-- blazed, watching muted planet earth on a massive high-def television with some crazy fucking music tying it all together. my mom called and asked me to get milk, so alex and i bid our goodbyes and trekked to the walgreens on market (taking the most roundabout way, of course) and made our purchases. we then scooted to thalia's house where we both popped a xanax and watched the end of the second Riddick movie, a little bit of grindhouse, and black snake moan before we called it a night.

*side note: please just ask me if you want to know i'm gay. honestly, i'm not offended.

sunday morning i got up bright and early, thanked thalia for a lovely night and went to run sound at meeting. i had lunch with my family at qudoba's (jesus christ their grilled vegetable burrito was critical) and then went to my senior mentor's house to talk about stress, factory farms, and cook a delicious organic pumpkin pie. i've been designated to cook dinner for atleast 9 on thanksgiving, so i nabbed some recipes who's prospects are thrilling and headed home. i got some psych done before david came over. we bought some weed and then he watched me play windwaker. i just finished sorting my clothes, found some keepers, and now i'm talking to my girl contemplating grabing some eats or just waiting it out.

WHAT A WEEKEND
sorry this is pointless

i made couscous salad for dinner and it's delicious! two culinary wins in a row!! (you can ignore fanny's butt in the lower right corner) It's got couscous, steamed asparagus, roasted sunflower seeds, cherry tomatos, feta cheese and katamala olives in it.

seriously though, maybe i'm finally on a roll.


except i keep blowing off my senior project and i know no good will come of it. not five minutes ago i was falling asleep while my mom looked up nutrition books for me to use as references on the internet. she finally got so exasperated with my sudden drowsiness she told me i was high and stalked off to fix herself a drink. i'm not high, obviously, but i did perk up the second i started blogging which does nothing for my case. i'm just too burnt out to care!

shit, why should i care? i gorged myself on couscous salad, steamed broccoli and pizza loaded with banana peppers all night and watched House.


take that, high school!

i made these for dinner, and i'm pretty damn pleased to announce they looked just like the picture and tasted even better.

as scary as it all is, i realize i have very high hopes for college. don't let me down!






don't let her pitiful demeanour fool you, Fanny is an absolute devil to take a car ride with.


i didn't do anything today


*edit: fuck countdowns, they do nothing for me

hello again!