i touched this.

amongst the gyrating crowd

covered in strangers sweat

toes stepped on, pushed and shoved

and grinded on by a boy with absolutely no rhythm 

i was having the time of my life!

viva las vegas!

today

i stood on top of the world

and it sucked 

so hard

 to have to come back down

woke up around 11 in that fine rodeway inn

had a breakfast of cheerios 

sat around, gabbed 

checked into the cliffs

(realized i forgot my ipod in previous room)

went to red rocks casino

had pizza for lunch, ben&jerry for dessert

went to see benjamin button 

the lindeman-kessingers arrive around 10

lv

my aunt is staying here

lucky.

i got up around noon,

had ethiopian for lunch,

met up with various family members,

bought tickets to girltalk,

watched house,

played pokemon

:)

vegas, baby

we're finally here

we were packed and out the door by 1:30, on our flight at 4:49 from raleigh to atlanta

from atlanta, we left at 7:00 and arrived here at 8:30, vegas-time

then we waited an hour for a rental car that has a disgustingly strong bubblegum smell in the interior

vegas is everything i thought it might be-- big, flashy, and expensive.

had dinner at denny's, it was PACKED with huge asian families.  it took us about an hour to get our food, but our waiter was really nice.  he had cool slicked back hair

and now i'm typing this up in a surprisingly clean rodeway inn.

it's been a day of firsts for neil:  first airplane ride, first rental car ride, first time being out of nc, let alone greensboro!  he's taking in the sights like a champ, but we're both tuckered out.  who knows what tomorrow will bring!

tis the season!

i can't get a grip

isn't it funny
how everyone knows me better
than i do

neil diamond;
my new companion

almost there

i think it's the fact i can't make anyone want to do something
that is so damn disappointing.

i have nothing left to say.


ps; we got our christmas tree and the living room smells
fantastic.

what on earth am i going to look forward to when i finally beat the game!?

oh, yeah:

i am overwhelmed by the hate gnawing my temperament
and my patience
and my everything else
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I FORGOT WHAT THIS FELT LIKE


i hate showering
because it strips me down to what i really am. i climb in the shower, dirty and naked and wild and happy, and i climb out a shivering pink thing too ashamed to look in the mirror
the water shows me all the things i'd forgotten: my unshaved legs, my too long nails, my trashy dark roots, my poorly trimmed ghost unibrow and my crooked bottom teeth and my babyfat face and my pouty stomach
the dirt, the grimy film, its so comfortable
i'm not impressing anyone, and no one scrutinizes me for imperfections because with my dirty skin and hair, i am blurry to the clean eye and not worth a second glance

and i am weighed down by two ravaging beasts
i took the obligations, i sized them up and heaved them on my shoulders and buckled under the weight
i drank the lead apathy because it's all i knew and it settled in a hard, angry mass in my stomach and suddenly i am crumbling under everything i always knew i would never be able to finish or support
and i am 18 years old, i need someone to hold my hand. i need someone to feed it to me spoon by spoon


i just can't believe how pitiful i feel!
ah!